Restlessness

I am awake. I am in agony. It's 5 am, and while many people deliberately get up at this God-forsaken hour, I am not one of them. I've been up for about 45 minutes. Contemplating what a restless night feels like... How can I explain this in a way you understand?

For me, sometimes restlessness is like reading a book. And I get to this line and all the words are jumbled, like they're in the wrong order. And the sentence doesn't make sense. So I read it again.

And then I forget what I just read. So I read it again.

And then I realize that something is terribly wrong and I must have missed a lot of information. I realize I'm 50 pages ahead of where I left off. But instead of going back, I just read it again.

I try sounding out each word slowing. I say them in a different order on purpose. I try to suss out every possible meaning of this horrible sentence.

And then I read it again.

I read it until my mind goes numb. Or fuzzy.

I read it until I get angry in my sleep because I don't know what it means.

I read it until I get so frustrated because I keep on, keep on, keep on trying and everything is useless.

And for hours, my life is a circular riot of evil in my mind. I spin in my bed, 'round and 'round and 'round... I spin so much I feel kinda nauseous. And time is always always corrupted, disrupted, interrupted. I spin for what feels like hours without end, and realize I've been half-awake for only and hour. I spin and feel like I just having trouble falling asleep, like it's only been a few minutes of torture, and realize I've been half-asleep all night.

And sleep becomes of word of many meanings. I "sleep" but feel like I've been awake all night (that's how I feel now...). I call this half-awake. And half-asleep is what happens when I'm definitely asleep but my mind is trapped. I'm clawing at my consciousness and my dreaming is a reflection of my mental anguish. When I wake up, I feel like I've been awake all night. So maybe there really isn't a difference. But it feels different. And sometimes when I'm half-asleep I'm unconscious enough to the point that I keep my husband up with my spinning and my restlessness, but I can't shake out of it. I'll persist to disrupt him all night, giving us both a bad night's sleep...

I am aching for real sleep. But it seems the only times I sleep are when I'm under the influence of something sedative. Tylenol PM and Advil PM are my most frequently used drug. The doctor also prescribed me Benadryl because it's a safe, non-addictive drug that will knock me out. But I have to take two. Just taking one is like asking for a night of spinning. Anyway, I'm out of those, I'm gonna call for a refill tomorrow. Today... because it is today now.

Anyway, the Prolific Nocturne writes again. At least I always have that. If I can't sleep, I can write. Which is pretty much all I do...

Insomniac

I think I have insomnia. You know... that thing where you don't sleep. I looked it up yesterday. Apparently it's not the condition. It's the symptom. You aren't really diagnosed with it. You either have it or you don't and if you do it means something else is wrong with you. How much does that suck? Let's say - for lack of a better word - a lot. Not only does life suck because you can't sleep, but that isn't even the worse thing. Someone told me I should see a doctor. Sure, why not. But that same someone told me before to visualize sleeping and I would do it. Ok - maybe he didn't say it in such a new age way. But it felt the same. As though the sheer willpower of wanting to sleep would be enough for it to happen. What? I asked. You think I want to be lying here every night watching the seconds tick by of my sleepless night? As if. I like sleep. I need 9 hours of it to be fully function and kind. Six to just be functional. Less than that and you're just asking for trouble. I'm not even a Christian until 10 am (that's a joke - I am a Christian... but that's not really the issue... unless you want to make it one. I tried praying myself to sleep. That seems a bit... what's the word... WRONG! If I'm gonna talk to God, it should be on purpose right? No hidden agenda. I shouldn't get into the habit of talking to him just so I can put myself to sleep. That's just what I think...) Moving one. The person who said visualize and later say see a doctor told me before that the reason I wasn't tired when I went to bed is that I didn't work out regularly enough. I go to the gym 5 days a week now. I think it made it worse. I'll still go because I'm getting fat and I want to look like Julia Roberts one day (never gonna happen). But it's not because I want to sleep. I've done the Tylenol PM thing. Pretty sure I'm building an intolerance for it. You know, when you take something so often and so much that it's ineffective. Yeah - that's me. Drugs. I'm a lush. Or is that what you call an alcoholic. I'm not that. The point is... I've tried a bazillion things and here I am. Wide awake. Not sleeping. (Let me be clear here - when I say insomniac - I'm not like Meg Ryan in Prelude to a Kiss. She hadn't slept since she was 14. That's not my problem. I sleep. Kind of. It takes forever to fall asleep some days. Some days not that long. but I never feel rested. I toss and turn and feel awake all night. I watch the clock sometime because I'm actually awake. Sometimes because I'm in that miserable place in between. I dream -- vivid vibrant crazy dreams. About friends. About people that don't exist. About violence. About peanut butter. anyway... I wake up exhausted. And when I get in bed at night I dread it. The dark hours are the worst for me in every way. Maybe it's my own fault. But that bed hates me. And I hate it.) I'm so tired to consciousness. I'd like to disappear into the oblivion that night is supposed to bring. It's doesn't not for this nocturne. (Please forgive my abuse of the English language. It's usually intentional.) No, I am the living dead. A zombie cursed to suffer the tortured night and survive the cursed day.