Restlessness

I am awake. I am in agony. It's 5 am, and while many people deliberately get up at this God-forsaken hour, I am not one of them. I've been up for about 45 minutes. Contemplating what a restless night feels like... How can I explain this in a way you understand?

For me, sometimes restlessness is like reading a book. And I get to this line and all the words are jumbled, like they're in the wrong order. And the sentence doesn't make sense. So I read it again.

And then I forget what I just read. So I read it again.

And then I realize that something is terribly wrong and I must have missed a lot of information. I realize I'm 50 pages ahead of where I left off. But instead of going back, I just read it again.

I try sounding out each word slowing. I say them in a different order on purpose. I try to suss out every possible meaning of this horrible sentence.

And then I read it again.

I read it until my mind goes numb. Or fuzzy.

I read it until I get angry in my sleep because I don't know what it means.

I read it until I get so frustrated because I keep on, keep on, keep on trying and everything is useless.

And for hours, my life is a circular riot of evil in my mind. I spin in my bed, 'round and 'round and 'round... I spin so much I feel kinda nauseous. And time is always always corrupted, disrupted, interrupted. I spin for what feels like hours without end, and realize I've been half-awake for only and hour. I spin and feel like I just having trouble falling asleep, like it's only been a few minutes of torture, and realize I've been half-asleep all night.

And sleep becomes of word of many meanings. I "sleep" but feel like I've been awake all night (that's how I feel now...). I call this half-awake. And half-asleep is what happens when I'm definitely asleep but my mind is trapped. I'm clawing at my consciousness and my dreaming is a reflection of my mental anguish. When I wake up, I feel like I've been awake all night. So maybe there really isn't a difference. But it feels different. And sometimes when I'm half-asleep I'm unconscious enough to the point that I keep my husband up with my spinning and my restlessness, but I can't shake out of it. I'll persist to disrupt him all night, giving us both a bad night's sleep...

I am aching for real sleep. But it seems the only times I sleep are when I'm under the influence of something sedative. Tylenol PM and Advil PM are my most frequently used drug. The doctor also prescribed me Benadryl because it's a safe, non-addictive drug that will knock me out. But I have to take two. Just taking one is like asking for a night of spinning. Anyway, I'm out of those, I'm gonna call for a refill tomorrow. Today... because it is today now.

Anyway, the Prolific Nocturne writes again. At least I always have that. If I can't sleep, I can write. Which is pretty much all I do...