No. It's not my birthday. Or anniversary. And nothing truly spectacular has ever happened to me on this date. Last year on this date I held a Jane Austen Movie Marathon Night in the student center at my college for my fellow students in Literature of Jane Austen. Four years ago, I flew from my home in England back to my home in Florida after graduating high school. I was welcomed back to the US with Hurricane Wilma, which left me and my Gramma without power for about a week.
Anyway -- I don't know how this become The Favorite Day. But it is. I wait anxiously for it all year long. For no good reason. I just love it. Maybe it's the season -- the fall. The change in the air, the trees, the feeling in your bones. I've always been a die-hard summer appreciator. But there is something poetic about autumn. Symbolic.
This October 17th - I'm picking up my husband from the airport after a month-long absence. 33 days to be exact. This is not our longest separation by a long shot. But still... it was... interesting. This time, I learned a whole lot about myself while he was away. My road to Self-Discovery is riddle with tears and heartache and excitement and fear and agony and angst and love.
So here goes...
I learned I'm really independent. That I don't really miss him while he's gone but when he comes back I remember what I was missing and it's like I miss him in retrospect. I learned I sleep better when he's gone (because I'm a bet hog and a quasi-insomniac), but in the morning I wish he was there. I learned that I have friends here. Lauren. Lindsay. Shavaun. Michal. Vince. Eric. Chad and Linsay. Tim. Jonathan. Kyle. Etc. There are people here that I care about. And they care about me. I learned that I am an artist. Not an intellectual. And I learned that that's ok. I learned that Kings, Day Break, Kyle XY, and Six Degrees were all shows canceled prematurely and I wish I'd been there to support them while they was still airing (but The Listener deserved the boot). I learned what an equinox and solstice were (besides really cool words). I learned I love to shop (who knew?), but only if I get to buy something. I learned that it's easier to be someone's friend when they want to be yours too. If you have to force your way in... maybe it's not worth it. I learned that electronics hate me. Just ask my cellphone, TV, and GPS (all of which are not working right now)... I learned that I am a good writer... or could be. I learned that I'm a good musician... or at least passionate. I learned I have some depth, some things inside me that want to be let out -- in music, in story, in blog... I've been bottling up all of this stuff and it makes some great creative material. I made decisions - hard ones. I let go of my pride. I acknowledged my weaknesses -- and there are many. I found joy in sorrow. I found inspiration in depression. I found hope in stress. And strength in weakness. Glory in suffering. Poetry. Laughter. Longing. Beauty. I learned I like make-up... now if only i could figure out how to use that eyeliner... I learned I seem 25 but I can act 15. I learned that miracles happen -- even the ones we wait for and hope for and give up on. I learned the days that start the worst usually end the best. And the best inspiration hits you at 2 o'clock in the morning (it's 1:54 am right now...). I discovered new bands: Seabird, Jason Gray, Danyew, and Our Heart's Hero (in order of greatness). I realized I'm truly the least domestic wife of all time - I barely cleaned. I rarely cooked. I had only the tiniest inkling to decorate after seeing Linsay and Shavaun's immaculate spectacular homes.... but it passed like Thanksgiving indigestion. I met new family. Made new friends. Stared at strangers. And created new characters. I dreamed weird dreams. I woke up late. I woke up early. I learned that sugar free RedBull tastes just as good as regular Redbull but its only 10 calories! I learned to count calories. I learned I love to drive. I learned that I must have a guardian angel to keep me from getting into serious accidents all the time. I learned I have cute toes and weird eating habits (oh wait, I already knew that last one) and I'm quirky. But that's a good thing. I learned that some people know me better than I thought they did. And others don't know me at all. I learned that love and limerance are two different things. I learned that love is not just a choice and people who say it is are idiots - according to my dad. I learned how to make a good apology. I learned that it's still fun to sing Bohemian Rhapsody in the car, even if you're by yourself. I learned that roadtrips can be the most relaxing and enjoyable experiences in the world, even if you're by yourself. I learned that I need to have my own calling... I'm still waiting for that. Praying for it. I learned I am inconsistent, faithless, emotional, dramatic, selfish, angry, bitter, youthful, and changing. I learned that God is ... more. Than me. Than life. Than what I thought I knew before. I learned that life isn't always what you plan. It doesn't always go the way you want it to. Sometimes the path you choose takes you to a different destination than you thought. And the decisions you make are irreversible. You can never go back. You can only go forward. And the person you were before becomes.... something else. Something other. I learned...
I'm not who I was...
I'm not who I thought I was...
And that's ok. Whoever I am... Jesus still loves me anyway.
And so does Ray.
(And so does Carrie.)
